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Amy 12 hours old.

My name is Tasha and I am 18 years old. I found out I was pregnant on the 10th of August 2009, 2 weeks before my 18th birthday. My pregnancy seemed normal, the usual morning sickness and being tired all the time until I started bleeding. I went to Queen Elizabeth Hospital, South East London and had a scan to see if my baby was okay, and she was! I was also told I was 7 weeks and 4 days.


Over this time my partner and I who is 21 had just broken up, it was hard because he lives in Portsmouth and me in London and because of hormones whenever we saw each other we was always arguing. And that's when mine and my baby's journey begun just me and her alone. At 13 weeks pregnant on October 5th I went back to QE Hospital for my 12 weeks scan and was informed my baby had a condition called Exomphalos which was containing her bowel and liver. I was very confused and instantly cried. I knew straight away she would not survive.


The next day I travelled to Kings College Hospital and had some blood tests and another scan. I was told the baby would be fine after an operation but I would more than likely had to have her early by C-section in March 2010. Just when I thought I could go home I was taken into the consultants office and he told me to sit down. He explained the baby was high risk for 3 chromosome illnesses; Down syndrome, Edwards and Patau's syndrome and that he would like me to have a C.V.S performed. That day at 2:30:PM I had the C.V.S which was very uncomfortable and sent home.


I was expecting the results in a couple of weeks so I tried to keep myself busy but I just could not get any of it off my mind. On Thursday the 8th of October I got a phone call from Kings College. The lady I spoke to told me that my baby had neither of the illnesses and that I was going to have a little girl. Life was perfect for the next 7 weeks, I accepted that Amy-Rose had Exomphalos and that she would be absoloutly fine. She's strong just like her Mum. Me and her Dad decided to give our relationship another go and bought lots of baby things and plenty of pink clothes!


But when we got to Kings College Hospital for the 20 week scan and were waiting in the waiting room my mood dropped. I automatically started panicking and had a very very bad feeling something was not right. All I could think of was that my baby would not survive the pregnancy and it broke my heart. My scan took an hour I had up to 10 people in the room, and it sounds horrible but I was just waiting for the bad news. I was told that the Exomphalos had ruptured which revealed more organs and that Amy-Roses spine was twisted and her ribs were crushing her lungs. I sobbed and sobbed and just nodded when they said that she would not survive. I was told I needed to end the pregnancy and was given the choice to either have a termination or give birth to my child naturally and bury her.


Of course I choose the last option and was offered to have an injection in Amy's heart to stop it beating. I signed the papers at first and then realized what I was doing. No way could I let them do that, I could not live with myself knowing I gave permission for someone to kill her so Iwas given a tablet orally to prepare my body for labour. That night me and my partner lay in bed and enjoyed Amy kicking but it broke my heart feeling every movement thinking that I had taken a tablet to end her life. What sort of mother was I? I hated myself for it all but was told I had no choice, the longer I left it the longer Amy would have suffered.


The following night I had a mild contraction but nothing major they were followed by a few more but then stopped. That night was one of the most heart wrenching nights of my life as the next day I had to go to hospital and give birth. Amy was so active I was watching as a little foot and little arm poked my womb and just thought this is my last night with you, why me? Why my baby? I can not describe how much I love my daughter she was my everything, my heart beats for her without her I am nothing.


The next morning I had a shower and before I got dressed I rubbed my bump and spoke to my baby. I told her it was time for her to let go, she could now give up her battle, no more fighting, no more suffering. I told her how proud I am of her and how much I love her and how I was going to miss her. I think she listened because that day at 1:50:PM I had my first proper contraction in hospital. Withing 10 minutes I was in full blown labour and it killed! I was put on Morphine 2 hours later and spent the next few hours staring at the clock.


Every contraction I had was another contraction closer to losing my baby and I could not cope with it. I sobbed to my 2 sisters and Amy's Dad Dominic who were with me from beginning and end but all they said was 'I know it hurts Tash but think of Amy. She's thanking you right now. You have let her give up and stopped her suffering. You're a strong girl and that's where Amy gets it from. We are all proud of you and your baby girl, you are both the strongest people we know'


Those words got me through the labour and I cant thank them all enough. At 7:pm my waters broke I knew then that it wouldnt be long.
At 8:47 PM I had a very bad contarction and got on my knees, my sister and Dom were by my side and we were all shocked when Ii cried out that I needed to push. One minute I was having just another painful contraction then I felt my baby coming and nothing was stopping her. I pushed twice and then my baby girl was born breech and sleeping at 8:55:PM on Saturday 28th November 2009.


The moment Amy-Rose died I died too I will never forget my first born. She is my everything and I miss her so much. I would go through the whole thing all over again just to hold her one more time. Amy was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and now she is the most beautiful angel God has ever seen. If anyone else has had similiar experiences to me I am so sorry for your loss and how did you cope, because I can't cope anymore.


Tasha

Amy shortly after she was born